Pain

It's amazing how pain permeates every aspect of a person's being. Mercilessly, it consumes each characteristic, one by one, until you are a stranger to yourself. Memories of competence and health are murky reflections in a pool of anger, guilt and shame. Anything you love is vulnerable to the wasting disease, and it spares you no consideration, no comfort, no solace.

I sit, staring at mindless entertainment, distracting myself with puzzles, video games, and crafts. Simple creative tasks at least let me feel as if I've accomplished something. I can see the progress as some beauty unfolds before me, but I am constantly reminded that I'm wasting time. My agenda is full, but my plate is empty, and I'm starving for the life that waits for me on the sidelines.

I'm involved in an amazing research project for my PhD. Things are moving forward quickly, but I'm stuck in the muck. I've been sick for over a year now, and completely incapacitated for two months. I thank God that my mentor has been accommodating and understanding, because I'm not sure that I deserve it. It's not a question of worthiness, aptitude or potential. It's a question of competence. My number one asset, my brain, has shut down completely. At best, I have a few hours of clarity, a short time without the incessant rumbling pain in my intestines. But without sleep, I cannot make use of them, and many of those hours are spent going to doctor's appointments. I feel like I'm split in two. My body needs to stay home and rest, but my mind needs to go back to work.

I sincerely pray they find something in the colonoscopy/endoscopy. Anything that will lead to treatment. Anything that will lead to relief.

~Alison